This morning will be funny in the future. Right now, puke on the wall, on the floor, on the bedsheet and nowhere near the toilet.

‘You were right next to the toilet – how could you miss it, Lu?

‘You know what it’s like,’ Lulu said, re-adjusting her school uniform. Finally letting out the excruciatingly tightness of her belt. 

I stared at watery phlegm and pieces of brown breakfast running down the wall. 

‘No. I don’t think I ever missed it.’

She scowled at me. ‘Well, aren’t you perfect?’

Another storm is coming our way. Is it storm number three in the same number of weeks? It’s got to the point that when I feed the birds, they come out instantly to get the bread on the lawn before the wind and the rain stops them. 

Delphine had her Grade Two ballet exam. Delph was last on the list yesterday. Instead of doing it with the rest of her class, she did the exam with her ballet teacher, Miss Hannah and the ballet examiner, Mrs Hallett who’d come from Bedford. 

A number of times after practicing with her class, Delphine had said, ‘We need to bow at the end and say thank you, Mrs Hallett.’

It turned out Delph was the only one saying thank you. With a jaunty number one pinned to her ballet outfit, she stood on her own at 5pm, waiting to go in to the exam. The rest of her class had gone in at lunchtime. I suddenly remembered Miss Gilbert, the head ballet teacher, telling me years ago that even if Delphine wouldn’t be able to pass the criteria for an RAD exam, she’d make up an exam for Delphine instead.

Wait a minute. Was this the so-called ‘special’ exam? Miss Gilbert didn’t even look at me. I didn’t ask. When Delph came out of the room, her face was flushed with excitement. 

‘I didn’t panic!’

Later, celebrating with a high-end dinner (do you want fries with that?), I noticed purple swelling around Lulu’s knuckles as she picked up her burger.

Hmm. I’d wondered if there would be some backlash at school on Lulu for her quick boyfriend turnaround. If she’s going to employ this method, which in theory is fine for a 13-year girl learning who she is, ballsy for sure, then she’s probably going to suffer for it too. Turned out that the boyfriend she’d let go of on Friday had made out with another girl on Saturday. Another girl in Lulu’s class. 

‘I hit the wall in the bathroom. After I had a meltdown in geography and left the class,’ she muttered.

‘What did the teacher say when you had your meltdown?’

‘She asked me if I was upset because I only got 9/10 on the geography test.’

‘What did Jasmine get on the test?’ The thing is; at primary school Jasmine was always that bit naturally smarter than Lu. She’s a nice girl too. Naturally nice. 

‘Jas got 10 out of 10.’

‘Right.’ She’s not even going to do Geography GCSE!

Lu looked at me disparagingly. ‘Mum, is the fact that Jas did better on the geography test bothering you more than how I punched the wall in anger?’

’No! Not at all. Why do you say that?’ Urghhhh.