Here’s what I imagine. I imagine Delphine rocking her schoolwork. She’s sitting there, writing away, her thoughts flowing like the tide. She’s chewing on her pencil and for a moment she needs to pause. But it’s only for a moment. She’s got so many thoughts going through her head they’ve got to come out, so after a quick chew – not even enough time to extract that yellow splinter out of her mouth, Delph’s at it again. She’s got lead to her paper and she’s going.
Next: Lulu. Instead of coming home and threatening she’s going to run away, Lulu is super calm. She’s not barrelling up our driveway in a rage. Side note: what is it about that driveway that makes people want to hit the road? No, this kid is happy. A ceasefire to the weeping that’s happened most nights for a month. Lulu is happy we’re going to Quest. Ok, maybe some melancholic sighing – but not full on, ‘you’re taking away everything that’s important to me’ sadness. Ok, I really have to concentrate. Lulu is happy. She’s smiling her sweet, toothy grin. She trusts she’s going to come back home to Wales from Quest. Everything is going to be ok. She knows she has a long and blessed life ahead of her, filled with love and friendship. She doesn’t let anyone bully her but she’s not looking for it either. Her life will be productive and she’ll reap her steadiness from it.
So, one confident daughter, skilled at both listening and responding to the running narrative in her head. The other daughter happy and steady, trusting her life will see her through. That’s it. Instead of worrying about them, imagining worst possible scenarios and fighting against them like a crazed portender of doom, I’ll imagine the good stuff. The good stuff? My old self says, ‘What use is that good stuff if it doesn’t come true? You have to work to make things come true, not just imagine them.’
Ha! I just wrote myself into my understanding. This leaves me with my last dream. Here goes. I’m not scared of anything. I know I’m safe and loved and free to express my opinion without challenge or defensive denial. I have a deep sense that everything’s going to be ok. Why? Because I trust. I trust it will be fine.
I’m going to live my life without fear of the worst possible scenarios. This doesn’t mean I won’t know about them – they’ll inevitably still come to visit me, but I won’t be busy entertaining them, making tea and sitting down to chew the fat for a while. I’ve had those conversations for too long now. It’s time to let worst possible scenarios barrel their way up the driveway – God knows, everyone else tries to do it. Now’s the time to trust the people who I love; they’re going to be ok. More than that – they are going to be great. Let’s imagine.